


Harry Potter and the Dead Useful Wank

by Caro Dee (Caro_Dee)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Masturbation, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Other, Underage Sex, sex spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:28:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1567865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_Dee/pseuds/Caro%20Dee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Harry, mate, you gotta see this," Ron whispered.</p><p>"What is it?" Harry asked and opened it to the title page. <em>Samuel Sillibender's Sex Spells for Young Wizards.</em> He gaped at Ron. "Where did you get this?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Dead Useful Wank

For once the twins' security measures had failed because Ron had got his hands on it and was willing to share with his best friend.

Sitting down next to Harry on his bed and casting a wary glance over at their roommates to make sure no one was paying attention, Ron surreptitiously handed a small, black book over.

"Harry, mate, you gotta see this," Ron whispered.

"What is it?" Harry asked and opened it to the title page. _Samuel Sillibender's Sex Spells for Young Wizards._ He gaped at Ron. "Where did you get this?"

"Nicked it from under Fred's bed yesterday. They only had a Notice Me Not spell and four prank traps on it. Pfft!" Ron waved away the difficulty. "I've been getting past that much since third year. Anyway, I already tried a few spells and they were brilliant! You should try some."

Harry turned a brilliant red and tried to give the book back. "No, really, Ron. I don't think..."

Ron took the book, turned to certain page, and held it in front of Harry's face. "Look at this one. _Homoradix gluttio_ lets you suck your own cock." He waggled his eyebrows. "Or how about this one?" He flipped a few pages. " _Imago nudus._ Pair it with a name and you can see the person all naked and everything while you wank."

Ron's expression was a little dreamy and Harry narrowed his eyes. "So whose name did you use?"

Ron grinned but threw a glance over his shoulder at the others and lowered his voice even more. "Don't ever tell her but Katie Bell. Flying around naked on a broomstick. Absolutely gorgeous."

Harry thought about that and felt a little whoozy. Gorgeous, indeed. He reached out to grab the book and paged through it. "What about this one?"

Ron craned his neck to see the page and grimaced. "Tried it and finited out of it after two seconds. It was way too Slytherin for my tastes."

Slytherin? Harry frowned. Nothing about the description sounded Slytherin to him.

The door slammed open and everyone in the dorm leaped to their feet with their wands held out. But it was just Fred and George.

"YOU! Book thief!" George pointed dramatically at Ron. "You will pay!"

" _Accio_ book!" said Fred and caught the book as it leaped out of Harry's grasp and flew over to Fred. "Sorry, kiddies, but you're too young and innocent for this. This is for adults only."

"You're only a year older!" Ron protested and ducked the spell Fred cast.

A full blown prank battle broke out and it took ten minutes before the Griffindor fifth years managed to drive out the intruders.

Later on at bedtime, Ron winked at Harry, ostentatiously cast a silence charm and drew his curtains. Harry swallowed nervously and did the same much more discretely.

Alone in the dark shelter of his bed, Harry shoved his pyjama bottoms down. He practiced the wand movement while silently mouthing the spell a few times and then cast at himself.

" _Serpenetratus!_ "

He was startled when his legs went as rigid as _petrificus totalus_ and snapped apart. The safety pin holding Dudley's old pyjamas up went pinging off somewhere into the darkness of his bed. He only had a moment to be concerned about losing it when he realized that his cock was changing.

His mouth dropped as he watched his cock lengthen and stand straight up in the air, pale and glistening with an oily sheen. When it hit about two feet in length, it gave a shake and began undulating. The head turned around in a circle until it stopped momentarily and Harry could have sworn it was looking at him. Then it looped up and over and dove between his legs.

Harry gasped as it wormed its way between his cheeks and nudged at his entrance. For a moment he clenched tight in fear but the 'snake' would not be denied and bumped into him again and again until Harry relaxed enough for it break through.

For a moment it hurt but then the sensation of heat and tightness around his cock hit him and it began to move within him. He was fucking himself! And it felt brilliant.

"Oh, my god," Harry moaned, hands clenched in the sheets. He couldn't move but the spell was taking care of all the work and all he had to do was lie there and feel it happening. "Oh, my fucking god!"

* * *

Harry tripping was the only reason the _Avada kedavra_ missed him and probably hit whoever was behind him in the chaotic crowd. He rolled over into a crouch and spun around to keep his eye on Voldemort.

Voldemort, who was standing there grinning triumphantly at him. "Getting tired, Potter? I can keep this up all day. _Avada kedavra._ "

Harry rolled to the side and flattened against the ground, wearily pointing his wand and frantically running through spells in his mind. Something deadly and unexpected. He meant to say _Sectumsempra_ but what came out was the spell he'd rehearsed almost nightly since he'd learned it. " _Serpenetratus!_ "

The spell hit Voldemort in the foot. His legs snapped apart and he lost his balance, falling backwards hard. Harry had a perfect view up the length of Voldemort's body as something began to wiggle wildly under the black robes. Voldemort's head lifted to stare disbelievingly at his crotch and then their eyes met.

Harry had the maneuverability that Voldemort didn't. He leaped up and aimed a _Bombarda_ at his head. Voldemort lifted his wand but was too slow. The spell hit and blood and brains spattered over the battle ground.

Harry gaped at the bloody corpse. That was it? The power he knows not was a teenager's wanking spell? That's when he realized the spell was still in effect by the flurry of activity going on. Harry cast a hasty _Finite Incantatem_ before anyone else noticed. This was not how he wanted to be remembered in the history books.

* * *

The only one he ever told was Ron after making him swear an unbreakable vow. Ron laughed until he choked, and then he cried when he realized that his vital contribution to the defeat of the greatest Dark Lord in history would forever remain unknown. 


End file.
